Hope

A former middle school/high school boyfriend of my daughter's stopped by to see my husband and me a week or so ago. While he was dating our daughter he became like part of the family. His home life was less than ideal, dysfunctional actually, and I suppose we were the stability he needed in his life. It was hard for our daughter to understand why we remained such a part of his life after they broke off their three year relationship. We felt that we couldn't just abandon him because he needed parental figures in his life. She was angry at first but after a while they were able to remain friends. In the meantime, he looked to us for guidance and assistance. He continued to come around to visit and we helped him get his first car and then helped a bit when he was in college and when he started his tiling business. We were happy to help emotionally and financially because he was a good young man. He got married about four years ago and his visits lessened. We knew that his wife didn't understand the bond he had with his former girlfriend's parents. We were happy for him and would be here if he needed us. Now he needs us. He needs us all.
When he knocked on our door I was immensely pleased to see him but I knew instantly that he was struggling with something. After just a minute of hellos and pleasantry he told me he needed someone to talk to that would understand what he was going through. His fifteen month old daughter was diagnosed with stage IV neuroblastoma and had been going through chemo for the past three months to shrink the tumors that had spread to her liver and adrenal glands. My heart sank and reached out for him simultaneously. I know all too well the emotional roller coaster he is on right now. It is terrible to know that all we can offer is an ear and comforting words, that this struggle for his daughter's life is the worst possible thing a parent can go through. When he told me his wife refused to talk about the possibility that their daughter may not survive I was flooded with memories of my daughter during her struggle to survive the brain tumor that stole her life. I, too, was resolute, at least in my mind, even when I knew in my heart that we were losing our battle. My advice to him was to try to be as positive as possible and understand that he and she can deal with this differently, don't push her to look beyond today because it is too much to bear and will cause many problems for his marriage. His need to protect himself and her from a huge emotional crisis is useless because there is no protection from the hell they will go through if his daughter does not survive this. That sounds a bit cruel but what his wife most likely needs is his unwavering support and hope. Hope. That is what gets one through each moment of each day and if you dwell on the what-ifs you may miss the small window of opportunity you have to capture the essence, the gift, of the child you may lose. I told him to take in every moment he could to be with his daughter and create a store of memories for the future, to have hope until the doctors tell him otherwise, and to understand that he and his wife will inevitably alternate standing strong and falling down. They have got to be there for each other, to hold each other up. We will be here for him to talk to anytime, night or day, when he feels he is faltering.

As for the rest of us, we all need to keep him and his family in our thoughts and prayers. His daughter will be having surgery soon to debulk the tumors and have an experimental stem cell transplant. I can only hope all goes well for all of them.