Over the years I have grappled with a question that inevitably comes up when meeting someone for the first time. In the course of pleasant conversation someone will ultimately ask how many children I have. To the majority of people this may seem illogical that it would give one pause before answering. If you have never experienced the loss of a child you cannot understand the emotion involved in the answer. First and foremost I am the mother of three daughters. In my heart and soul I will always be so. So shouldn't it be that simple to say so? But it is not so simple, so I weigh whether I am likely to see this new person again and how often I may be interacting with him/her. If I tell a relative stranger that I had three daughters but my youngest died twenty years ago at the age of seven from a brain tumor, conversation can come to an uncomfortably screaching halt. The stranger suddenly feels guilty for asking and begins to apologize so I end up trying to ease their anxiety. I hate being in the position of providing comfort to a stranger for my sorrow.
I would never say I had only two daughters but I might say that I have one daughter living in Chicago and another living in London and leave it at that, though it feels guiltily like denying my youngest daughter's existence. Or I might say simply that I have three daughters if the conversation will likely be very brief so that further questions will not ensue. If I am meeting someone that I will be seeing or dealing with regularly I find it better to have the conversation early on. I don't rush to explain but when I am asked I would go ahead and talk about it then so we can move beyond that moment of anxiety for the listener.
Don't get me wrong on this, I enjoy talking about and remembering my youngest child. She was an absolute joy and will always be in my thoughts daily. It's just that some people, usually younger adults who have perhaps not experienced the loss of a close family member, feel so uncomfortable when they find out that they get flustered and don't know what to say. They get that deer in the headlights look and you can see them mentally restraining themselves from bolting from the scene. Other people are totally comfortable with it and we can enjoy a moment of explanation without the stumbling of words and then move the conversation forward. You never know what someone's situation is so always try to be the latter. Don't make that person tell you it's okay. It is not okay, never will be okay, but life goes on and we have to make the best of it.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
A Royal Lesson
While webcamming the other day with my daughter and my grandchildren I was given a lesson in British culture. My three year old granddaughter had performed a song for us and then took a bow. Afterward, she curtsied and asked me to do the same. Seems I needed a lesson because I didn't quite come up to standard for meeting the queen. Amelia explained in detail to me just how to properly bow my head, bend my knees, and hold my dress (or rather my T-shirt that morning) for a royal curtsy. I tried again and was praised with "Good job Nana". I suppose I will be practicing over the next month before their visit to the states so I will get it right when I next see the little princess in person. I hope I will meet her royal expectations!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Tag - I'm It
I was tagged for this meme by my daughter so here goes:
1. What are your current obsessions? Pottery, roasted red pepper hummus and sea salt pita chips, crossword puzzles, photography, strawberries-cored and filled with Amaretto then topped with whipped cream - fabulous.
2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often? as much as possible, flannel pajama pants with t-shirt, very comfy, especially in the early morning hours while sipping coffe on the porch! Blue jeans when I am in public. Scrubs at work.
3. Last dream you had? work related, so I won't bore you here
4. Last thing you bought? besides groceries, a quilt for my 3 year old granddaughter who was absolutely adorable with her excitement when she received it in the mail
5. What are you listening to? Right now, a random mix of Corrine Bailey Ray, Robert Plant and Allison Krauss, Joe Bonamassa, Harry Manx and Kevin Breit, and Susan Tedeschi.
6. What childhood friend that you have lost contact with would you most like to see again? Dandelion
7. Favourite holiday spots? London, Chicago, Memphis, Nashville
8. Reading right now? Gardening books, medical coding books
9. Four words to describe yourself: Stubborn, Clutterphobic, Detail-oriented, Creative
10. Guilty pleasure? Art fairs, buying clothes and books for my grandchildren
11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak? My husband, when he is not making me scream or cringe.
12. Favourite spring thing to do? I love to lie in bed in the wee hours of the morning, with the spring air drifting gently through the window screen billowing the sheer curtains in and out like a sail, and listen to the concert of chirping and whistling as the birds awaken and begin their day. Makes me really miss living in the country.
13. When you die, what would you like people to say about you at your funeral? She was late for everything, even her own funeral.
14. Best thing you ate or drank lately? Grilled salmon prepared by my husband
15. When did you last go for a night out? Went to see Taken at the theatre then to dinner, maybe 2 months ago? A wedding reception in March? So long ago I don't remember.
16. Where is the next place you'd like to travel? Napa Valley with my wine-loving friends
17. Care to share some wisdom? Be happy in the present and grateful for the tomorrows
18. Song you can’t get out of your head? Janis Joplin's "Me and My Bobby McGee"
19. Thing you are looking forward to? Holding my daughters and grandchildren in my arms when they are all here in June.
20. Which disease or condition would you most like to see eradicated? Pediatric brain tumors, autism, diabetes, and multiple sclerosis.
21. What is your most irrational fear? My fear of heights.
22. what irritates you on a regular basis? Work
23. What is the most important lesson you've learned from someone in your life? Never go to bed angry with those you love
24. If you could change careers right now what field would you be in? Perhaps architecture
This meme ends here unless anyone would like to continue in comments or on their own blog.
1. What are your current obsessions? Pottery, roasted red pepper hummus and sea salt pita chips, crossword puzzles, photography, strawberries-cored and filled with Amaretto then topped with whipped cream - fabulous.
2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often? as much as possible, flannel pajama pants with t-shirt, very comfy, especially in the early morning hours while sipping coffe on the porch! Blue jeans when I am in public. Scrubs at work.
3. Last dream you had? work related, so I won't bore you here
4. Last thing you bought? besides groceries, a quilt for my 3 year old granddaughter who was absolutely adorable with her excitement when she received it in the mail
5. What are you listening to? Right now, a random mix of Corrine Bailey Ray, Robert Plant and Allison Krauss, Joe Bonamassa, Harry Manx and Kevin Breit, and Susan Tedeschi.
6. What childhood friend that you have lost contact with would you most like to see again? Dandelion
7. Favourite holiday spots? London, Chicago, Memphis, Nashville
8. Reading right now? Gardening books, medical coding books
9. Four words to describe yourself: Stubborn, Clutterphobic, Detail-oriented, Creative
10. Guilty pleasure? Art fairs, buying clothes and books for my grandchildren
11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak? My husband, when he is not making me scream or cringe.
12. Favourite spring thing to do? I love to lie in bed in the wee hours of the morning, with the spring air drifting gently through the window screen billowing the sheer curtains in and out like a sail, and listen to the concert of chirping and whistling as the birds awaken and begin their day. Makes me really miss living in the country.
13. When you die, what would you like people to say about you at your funeral? She was late for everything, even her own funeral.
14. Best thing you ate or drank lately? Grilled salmon prepared by my husband
15. When did you last go for a night out? Went to see Taken at the theatre then to dinner, maybe 2 months ago? A wedding reception in March? So long ago I don't remember.
16. Where is the next place you'd like to travel? Napa Valley with my wine-loving friends
17. Care to share some wisdom? Be happy in the present and grateful for the tomorrows
18. Song you can’t get out of your head? Janis Joplin's "Me and My Bobby McGee"
19. Thing you are looking forward to? Holding my daughters and grandchildren in my arms when they are all here in June.
20. Which disease or condition would you most like to see eradicated? Pediatric brain tumors, autism, diabetes, and multiple sclerosis.
21. What is your most irrational fear? My fear of heights.
22. what irritates you on a regular basis? Work
23. What is the most important lesson you've learned from someone in your life? Never go to bed angry with those you love
24. If you could change careers right now what field would you be in? Perhaps architecture
This meme ends here unless anyone would like to continue in comments or on their own blog.
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