To Tree or Not to Tree

This is the time of year that drives my husband absolutely looney with my indecision. The season tends to render me helpless to my emotions. I often wish I could skip the whole thing and pretend it just doesn't matter. But of course it does so I am better at flip-flops than a politician. I am not going to put up the tree this year, oh, but maybe I will just put up a tabletop tree. No, no tree at all. I can't deal with the hassle of dragging out all the boxes and putting on those irritatingly difficult lights. Oh, but I love the glow of the lights in the quiet hours of the night when everyone else is sleeping. No, I can't do it. It's settled. I am going shopping instead. Wait, you say there was a weather alert about the slick roads? Maybe I better just stay home. If I am home I may as well drag out the tree. No, maybe I'll have some cheesecake and think about it for a while. Ahh, that helped. Okay now what do I do? I have some of the other decorations out and that should suffice, shouldn't it? But what if I wait until Christmas and then decide I should've put up the tree after all? Oh shit, I may as well see if the lights are working. Now which box are the lights in? Oh crap, I forgot, I got lazy last year and just threw all the lights in a tangled mess into a gym bag. It's okay, I am a rational adult. It won't kill me to stand here and untangle these without throwing a fit. Careful not to tear the bulbs out of the sockets there Sparky! Whew, I need to rest after all that. Maybe a drink will help. Honey, where is the rum for the eggnog? No more rum? Whiskey it is then. Okay, I'm ready now. Plug this strand in to make sure it works. Wow, it works, kinda. Maybe twenty bulbs in the strand need to be replaced. I'll bet the bulbs from the thick outdoor strands will fit. Here goes. Yeah, they almost fit perfectly. Okay, I have twelve strands of lights plugged in and they all work. But didn't one of those strands have a short? Seems like I lost light to half the tree last year. Leave them plugged in to warm up before I use any of them. I have to shape the tree branches anyway. Look, the instructions in the box show how to attach the lights so it will be pre-lit for next year. Let me sit down and read this. Honey, will you fix me another drink? Okay, now for these lights. It says to zigzag and wrap, then pull straight back...what the hell? How am I supposed to do that with this big wad of lights? Oh, forget it. I will get a prelit tree next year. Let me just get these damn lights wrapped around the tree so I can get this done before midnight. I hate Christmas! Why didn't I just go shopping? Shut up, you don't have a right to comment because you are not helping me. If you think it is so funny you get up and do it. That's what I thought. You better find some Christmas music to get me in a better mood, quickly. Okay, I'll settle for that Carol King concert on PBS. Thanks. That's better, it's moving along now. I'm almost finished with the lights. Now where are the hangers for the ornaments? You can't find them? I know I bought some last year? Are you sure you looked in all the boxes? Okay, go get me some paper clips. I am going to get this done tonight! Can you turn off those lamps so I can see how this looks. Is it evenly lit? Are the ornaments spaced out right? Do you see any bare spots? No, I am not obsessed. Just shut up and have a Merry Christmas.